Three

Today Rachel would have been three years old.  I'm so sad that she can't celebrate with us today.  I would have had fun picking out a birthday present for her.  We're both pink-lovers.  It wasn't hard to find a pink shirt to wear for her today.  I wonder what she would have been like.

That's the thing about losing a child at such a young age. Rachel was only 15 months old when she died. We were only just starting to know her. Children change so much between 15 months and 3 years. I wonder if she would have liked Barbies already. I wonder if she would have liked swings or slides better. I wonder if she would have liked playing Hiss like her older sister did. I wonder if she would have liked Dr. Seuss books. I wonder if she still would have loved ducks. 

It's not fair that we have to wonder. I've had people tell me that there will be good that will far outweigh the bad things about losing the girls. They're right that good will (and has) come, but they're also very wrong. There is no good that can outweigh the pain my entire family has felt without those two girls around us. Every birthday, family gathering, holiday, etc. is harder without those two. 

Rachel, I love you. I hope you know that. I'm so grateful for the times I got to spend with you. I'll always remember getting to spend an entire weekend with you a week before you died. I'm grateful to have been your Aunt, even if it was only for a little while on this earth. I'll be your Aunt forever. I'm constantly trying to improve because of your influence on my life. I love you Rachie-spach. I can't wait for the day when I can hug and play with you again.